Season 5, Episode 8 Transcription

[This transcription was mostly done by Dani, so make sure to give her thanks and stuff!]

 

CODEX:  Tink's name is April Loo?  That was super weird to hear.  So what inspired me to be a rascally meddler and invite Tink's family, who I just discovered the existence of, to a buffet-style intervention?  This weekend has been crisis after crisis for me!  The guild scattered, The Game threatened...  My first impulse was to just abandon everything and run away.  But I realized after talking to... April Loo... That my connection to my guildies is more than a game.  We are friends!  And I wanted to reach out humanly to prove to myself that...  Wait a second!  This was all about me?  So much for the profound, feel-good speech part!  Ugh... Apirl Loo?  Hehehe... it's stupid.

 

CLARA: Ugh, Zaboo!  Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to see someone I know!  This has been the worst day ever.

 

ZABOO: Ah well, that's life!  And that's the Con, Con is life, life is con, con-life.  

 

CLARA: Everyone in the guild was having fun without me and I was sad, but then I found those steampunkers and I was happy.

 

ZABOO: 'S'good, good good.

 

CLARA: But then I didn't pass their test, or whatever it is, and I really wanted to be a part of it so bad!

 

KEVIN SORBO: Agh, I'll never give in!  You tell your goons to back off, little man!  

 

ZABOO: All we need, is the whole front row to you panel, talks with Hunky Legends.  Don't make me tell my guys to punch lower.

 

KEVIN SORBO:  Oh, ho ho ho like that's going to hurt!  I'm half-god from the waist down!

 

CLARA: Hold on.  What is... what's going on?  

 

ZABOO: We're just having a friendly negotiation with Kevin Sorbo, for the seat savers.  No problem, no big deal.  He's just a brawny, elegant, buff bastard.  But he'll bleed, just like the rest of 'em - won't you hero!?

 

KEVIN SORBO: Aw no no nono not the fine-chiseled jaw!  

 

ZABOO: Un-chisel it!

 

CLARA: When was the last time you slept?

 

ZABOO: Sleep?  I don't need sleep, hehehe... 50, 100 hours ago.

 

CLARA: Call of your robots!  Zaboo, now!  Don't make me get out my mom voice.

 

ZABOO:  Ungh, but... unnnghh, okay.  Master Chiefs, pull the plug.  

 

KEVIN SORBO: Pull the plug, he said!  If I had my gauntlets on, and my 12 pound leather pants that I did all my own stunts in, and Michael Hearst, who played my amazing sidekick Ieolis -

 

ZABOO: Oh he's the best.

 

KEVIN SORBO: - you'd be toast.  Totally, totally ruined my jersey.  I got this at the Sundance Film Festival, and now you wrecked it - WRECKED IT!!!

 

ZABOO:  Keep walkin' Hercules, keep walkin'.

 

CLARA: Okay, you're coming with me, it's time for bed.  Hey, back, back!  Back.

 

DAD: Honey, you've been in town all weekend and didn't call?

 

MOM: Oh, now don't nag her.  Here, have some of my famous yakisoba.  I didn't want her to miss out on her people's native heritage, so, I just put my own spin on one of their native dishes.  It's a, little ranch dressing and ham cubes.  

 

DAD:  Mmm, ham.

 

MOM: Go on, you'll love it.

 

CODEX: That looks delicious... so, Tink - uh, April Loo... would  you like to tell Edith and John [PUNCH] - Ow!

 

TINK: No.

 

BLADEZZ: Woah, dude, on the list, we made this!  Holy crap, this place is high class.  You know, I bet they do not have any floorbeds.  

 

VORK: Bladezz, be cool man, be cool.  Charity!

 

MADELYN:  Madelyn.  

 

VORK: Of course.

 

MADELYN: Well, fancy seeing you here.

 

VORK: Huh, I never expected those words to leave your mouth towards my face.

 

MADELYN: Well they have.

 

VORK: I... hearin' that.

 

BLADEZZ: Okay, I think it's time to find my rightful place in the hall of the leet.  Get some celebrity time.  Ciao.  Heyyy!  Woah woah, hey man, how ya doin'?  Nice movie face.  Ah, cool, check ya later man.  Woo!  Oh my god no way, you?  Touchdown, right?  High five.  Okay...

 

ZABOO:  Oh Clara no, I need to be so many places...

 

CLARA: On Morse I mess up, but whiney babies I can handle.  Arms up!  

 

ZABOO: Clara, I've been a bad boy here.  Did so many bad, bad things...

 

CLARA: It wasn't your fault.  It was the coffee and robots that made you do it.

 

ZABOO: No, robots, Master Chiefs good, me evil.

 

CLARA: There there, let me sing you a lullaby like I do my kids.  My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps...

 

ZABOO: My empire weighs so heavy on my soul.

 

CLARA: Aw, we'll make it better in the morning.  

 

ZABOO: Can you sing me another lullaby?

 

CLARA:  Sure.  Wump, there it is, wump there it is.  Boom-shaka-lhaka-shaka-laka-boom.  Gets them every time.  Boop boop.

 

BLADEZZ:  Yo, dude.  Look at this junk!  I mean, we deserve caviar and crap, right?

 

CRACKER GUY: No way, these crackers are my favorite.  I buy them in bulk.

 

BLADEZZ: Naw, get out dog.  I mean, famous people don't buy in bulk.

 

CRACKER GUY: Yea we do!  You wanna see my discount card?  

 

BLADEZZ: So hey, buddy, where are you and I heading out to after the convention?  Bikini lady ville?  Club tasset land?

 

COLIN FERGUSON: Actually, I gotta, uh, leak in my roof.  So I got to go to the Depot and get a tarp....

 

BLADEZZ: Okay, sorry, I can't hear you over all the lame.  What you guys got in there?  Pure grain alcohol?  How about you sign me up and we'll get this party started?  Awoooga!

 

ELIZA DUSHKU: Actually it's veggie juice.  You know, celery, carrots, spirulina...

 

BLADEZZ: How is that a party drink?  

 

GUY: Party for our colons!  

 

DICHEN LACHMAN:  And, uh, then we're going on a charity retreat.  It's a summit about homeless youth.

 

BLADEZZ: So that's just another way of saying going to rehab, right?  

 

DICHEN LACHMAN: Uh.  No.

 

BLADEZZ: Hey, how you guys doin'?  Let's get this party started!

 

GRANT IMIHARA: I got a touch of ciatica...

 

WOMAN: Recent breast reduction.

 

ZACH LEVI: That's also the doggy park, almost a mile.  That's Maui.  I'm surfing, he loves surfing!  This is a new collar I just got him.  

 

BLADEZZ: Ok, so... we're not hot-tubbing with skanky chicks later?

 

ZACH LEVI: Well, I don't, I usually turn in around nine.  Hot tubs give me eczema.  Skin condition.

 

BLADEZZ: You people are effin' boring!

 

CRACKER GUY: Hey, sweet collar.

 

ZACH LEVI: Thanks, yea.  I just picked it up.  

 

CRACKER GUY: Oh do you do pets without borders?

 

BLADEZZ: Seriously!

 

DAD: Buddy of mine in security got us some passes to this... whatever this is.  Personally I don't have any use for all of this experimental "comics" and "gaming"...

 

MOM: Devil spawn.

 

DAD: ...But uh, Lara and Tara, they wanted to see the parade of weirdos... wow, what a lot of freaks.

 

TINK: Okay, well... it's been great catching up.  

 

CODEX: Soo, Lara and Tara, um... did you go to high school, with, April Loo here?

 

LARA:  Yea!  We were like in Glee club togetherrr!

 

TARA:  Ooo, April - let's do DeBarge harmony that we do so well.  

 

TINK: Time to go!  Dead walking, aka, Codex.

 

CODEX: No, I'd rather stay here and learn about you, friend.

 

DAD: Real smart mouth on her, lot of sass.  Always loved that about my little girl.

 

LARA: Once, she slashed, the principal's tires, because he took jello salad, off of the cafeteria menuuu.

 

TARA: Once, she firebombed the janitor's closet, because she caught her boyfriend, making out with another girl in there.

 

TINK: I hate you, so much.

 

LARA:  And, once...

 

TINK: I'm not pre-med anymore.  For five semesters, I've been studying something else.  I didn't tell you, because... I didn't.  Happy, Codex?

 

LARA AND TARA: Uh oh...

 

DAD: What are you studying now?  

 

TINK:  Fashion design.  

 

MOM: That thing you're wearing, did you design that?

 

TINK: Yes.  

 

DAD: Sure is pretty.

 

LARA: It's beautiful!

 

TARA: Are you a turtle?

 

MOM: My baby's an artist!

 

TINK: That's it?  No rage, no screaming... not going to have me arrested?  I've been staying up every night for months, totally dreading it - and you're totally cool with it!?  

 

DAD: Totally cool.

 

MOM: I just have one requirement honey, you have to design Lara's wedding dress.

 

LARA: Ted proposed to me!

 

TINK: Ridiculous!  How did I survive childhood!?  You people are unreal!  

 

MOM: Oh she used to always stomp off like that when she was a little girl.  That's just more salisbury sushi for us!

 

MADELYN: Well, I don't want to be a burden.

 

VORK: I insist.  I could do a wordpress install, design a scaleable logo based off of your Hellenic profile, you'll have a custom blog in a week!

 

MADELYN: Oh, I'd appreciate that so much!  I really do feel like I have something to share.  I'll get photos and bios to you by tomorrow.

 

BLADEZZ: Well, I think Vork already has most of that stuff.  I mean, you were the head of her fan club in the 1890s.

 

VORK: 1990s.  And yes, your talent is immeasurable.  

 

MADELYN: That is so lovely to hear!  When I left Time Rings, I lost a lot of support.  Those were hard times.

 

VORK: Your betrayal was monumental, but, you can do nothing but move on.

 

MADELYN: Well, I don't think of it as a betrayal.  It was merely a job I quit.

 

VORK: Time Rings wasn't a job to the fans!  It was a religion!  When I watched you disembark the Brave hunt time-vessel, Season 2, Episode 16, knowing you would never again grace the vehicle, or the Thursday 8 PM time slot, I sobbed for weeks, like a baby!

 

BLADEZZ: Okay, well Vork, look at the pretty lady's nice hair.

 

VORK: Yes, her hair is extraordinary, the color of espresso-enriched Belgian chocolate!  In the middle of the season, to abandon your character Charity, at the height of her conflicted feelings about the professor?  

 

BLADEZZ: Ok, I'm off this train wreck!

 

MADELYN: That storyline was going no where!  I mean... Charity was a prop for the writer to hang his sick fantasies of...

 

VORK: SICK FANTASIES!?!?!  Is that what you call "Imagine That", that seminal episode of television, Season 1, Episode 14, that dealt with the issue of mixed race couples long before its time?  

 

MADELYN: If you call mixed race an alien gangbang!

 

VORK: The Labontin mated in groups, with probes!  It was their way!!!  

 

MADELYN: Pardon me, I have found a headache!  

 

VORK: I am entitled to my opinion!  And we haven't finished talking about your blog yet! OHH!! GAH!! GAH!!! JESUS!! GAH!! GAH!!

 

BLADEZZ: So uh, why are you guys famous...?  Oh hey Madelyn!  

 

SHIRT-CLAD WOMAN: Hey!  We've been downstairs for an hour.  

 

BLADEZZ: I'm sorry about that guys, I'm just... busy as a bee hanging up here with some people you might recognize.  Hey guys!  Awesome.

 

SHIRT CLAD WOMAN: Oh my god, you party with him!?  What a playboy right?

 

BLADEZZ: As long as you catch him before 9 PM.  

 

SHIRT CLAD WOMAN: You said you'd hang with us tonight, can we come in?

 

BLADEZZ:  Ooohhh, invite only Trudy.  Really sorry, but... kinda got a better deal here.  You look great, loved seeing you guys!  Big fresh happy faces... okay, bye-bye.  Huh!  No wonder celebrites have reality shows! Dra-ma!